Unmade beds and unreconciled relationships

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:26, 32 NIV).

Slam…stomp, stomp, stomp… slam!

“What in the world?” I asked my wife, after hearing what sounded like a construction crew working in our kitchen. “Why are you slamming doors and being so loud?”

“I’m cleaning the kitchen!” She answered while slamming another door to punctuate her reply.

“Are you mad or something?” I asked.

“No.” She answered, not looking up from wiping the counter.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, my patience running out.

“Nothing!” She answered.

“Well, it sure seems like something.” I said as I left the room and returned to watching cartoons with the kids.

After a while, I noticed Robin standing at the edge of our living room with tear-filled eyes. As we made eye contact, she said, “I don’t think you care about me. I have to do everything around here. I wish I could just sit and watch cartoons on Saturday mornings like you!” Having delivered her message she turned, rushed away, and locked herself in the bathroom.

The living room fell silent except for the sound of cartoons from the TV. Three sets of little eyes all starred at me with a mixture of confusion and worry. I don’t know what our three children were thinking, but their eyes seemed to accuse me of making Mommy cry.

“You three sit here and watch cartoons.” I said while getting up to leave the room.

I was mad now. I began talking to myself, “What was she thinking, accusing me like that in front of the kids? And what did she mean, she does ‘everything’ around here? I work 70 hours a week, so she can be a stay-at-home mom and take care of our kids. So, I sit and watch cartoons on Saturday morning? So, what? Maybe I should just take a shower and go to the office. I mean, I work every other day, why not Saturday mornings too?…”

My male ego was injured. And obviously, my wife’s tender heart was also hurt. After seven years of marriage and three children, we still struggled sometimes with communication and how to reconcile. Why did marriage have to be so hard?

I’d like to say that we worked it out that Saturday morning, but we didn’t. I took a shower and went to work. The next time it happened, I went outside and worked in the yard all day, proving my male work ethic. I’m ashamed to say that there were more than a few of these “Saturday morning” blowups.

Finally, one Saturday morning we both did something different. Instead of Robin locking herself in the bathroom and me going off to work, we talked.

“What is the problem here?” I asked with exasperation in my voice.

“You never make the bed!” She exclaimed. “I make the bed every day. And you sleep late every Saturday, leave the bed unmade and expect breakfast and cartoons. I feel like your maid.”

“That’s it? That’s what this has been all about?” I felt angry that a simple thing like an unmade bed had come between us.

But on this Saturday, thankfully, the Holy Spirit overruled my masculine ego. I quickly added a better comment, “OK. I’m sorry. I will start making the bed on Saturdays. If it is that big of a deal to you, then I can certainly do better.”

So, I started making the bed on Saturdays. It may sound funny, but it worked. Saturdays were never the same. Apparently, my wife felt loved when I made the bed.

I had learned a new truth: “Unmade beds can lead to unreconciled relationships.” Perhaps that’s what the apostle Paul meant when he warned us about “letting the sun go down on our anger.” We need to face up to our “unmade” situations and reconcile them quickly before they escalate into something worse.

This coming June 2nd, Robin and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage. After a lot of practice, I think I make the bed better than her. I probably make it 6 out of 7 days a week now. And nearly everytime I do, I think about how I’m doing it because I love my wife. It’s a small thing, but with great benefits.

Who’s making the bed at your house?

Super glue sutures

Superglue“Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the years of thy life shall be many. …Take fast hold of instruction; let her not go: keep her; for she is thy life.” (Proverbs 4:10-13 KJV).

“When can I take a shower?” I asked the nurse while looking at the surgical dressing on my stomach.

“Whenever you want.” She said.

“What about this? Don’t I have to keep this dry until the stitches come out?” I questioned while pointing at my belly.

“Stitches?” She questioned. “You don’t have any stitches. We super-glued you.”

“Hmmm…” I mumbled. “This nurse sure is a kidder…” I thought to myself as my mind surrendered to the pain meds.

As it turns out, the nurse wasn’t kidding. They used some sort of dermabond to close me up after doing a laproscopic surgery to remove my gall bladder. It’s supposed to improve one’s recovery rate (I’ll let you know).

With a quick recovery in mind, I plan to preach this Sunday. It’s Mother’s Day and we’re in a great series on the family and I love to preach, so…

… I hope the super glue holds fast.

Not applauding “The View”

Theview “And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.” (1 Kings 19:12 KJV).

I know I’m going to lose “man points” for this, but I watched ABC’s “The View” this morning. Now, before you judge me too harshly, hear me out. I had little choice, it was the only thing on the TV in the hospital waiting room.

While waiting over 30 minutes to get some lab work done,  I scanned the room desperately looking for a magazine or something to read. Nothing (unless you count Ladies Home Journal, and various other women’s mags). So, out of sheer boredom, I watched “The View.”

The setup for the show is a familiar one on TV these days. Introduce a current event or topic and let four or five people shout their opinions at each other until one of them yells loudest or tells the funniest joke. At which point the audience applauds.

The topic I heard was “Should married couples have secret bank accounts or separate bank accounts?”

Comic Joy Behar responded with her snappy delivery, “Well, if I want to splurge on an expensive lamp, I don’t want to have to ask my husband’s permission!” (Audience loudly applauds).

“My husband and I share one account. We discuss what we want to buy. It helps us…” Elisabeth Hasselbeck attempted to say before being drowned out by comments from the other three women.

To end this segment, Whoopi Goldberg summarized with an authorative tone, “Well, I think they should have three accounts. One for her, one for him, and one together.” (Audience applauds).

Having never watched this show (for this long) before, I think I understand it. Whoopi and Joy are the sharp witted, comics who get the laughs. Elisabeth is the token, sweet faced blond, who innocently offers old-fashioned opinions, and Barbara is the journalist keeping them on topic.

As entertainment, I guess I can see why some would enjoy it. But as thoughtful help for one’s marriage, family, finances, or life it’s worse than useless. It’s dreadfully inadequate.

Whether it’s talking heads on a so-called news show or shouting voices on the latest reality show, a multiplicity of opinions doesn’t reveal true wisdom. It really just tends to broadcast more foolishness. (To which the audience applauds).

The only “view” that I want to heed is God’s. His voice is quiet and wise. He has a lot to say about everything that concerns our lives. I’m not interested in following the loud voices of this culture. I don’t want what they have, so why should I listen to what they know?

I was glad when the nurse finally called my name and freed me from the waiting room.

As I left, I thought, “I want God’s “view.” I want His blueprint. So, I will listen to His still, small voice.” (Any applause?).

Our house increases!

Nathaniel&Papa “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures” (Proverbs 24:3-4 NIV).

After a long day at Wake Medical in Raleigh our long awaited grandson has arrived! His name is Nathaniel Dillon Combs and he was born on Thursday, April 23, 2009.

Nathaniel was born to our son Jonathan and his wife Nicole. This is our first grandchild. I must say that this is quite a new experience. We have known the wonder of childbirth as parents, but standing by and watching as your children have children… is awe inspiring and overwhelming.

God is so good! I’m glad that we have built our house on His firm foundation. Now, we pray that GaryNateNicoleJonathanRobin our children and our children’s children know the joy and blessing of building life on His Word and His grace.

By the way, I think this new Combs boy looks really intelligent. I held him only a few minutes after he was born and he was already looking around the room and checking things out. Don’t tell anyone, but I think he takes after me.

Encouraging words from faithful friends

GaryTomJimmieStephen Stephen and I attended the Innovative Church Community’s “Wilkesboro Regional” this past Tuesday. It was a great day! Here, you see us standing in front of Pastor Tom Bartlett’s Celebration Church (Left to right, Me, Tom Bartlett, Jimmie Davidson, & Stephen). We were there to hear from Pastor Jimmie, founder of Highlands Fellowship, an amazing multi-venue, multi-site, purpose-driven church based in Abingdon, Virginia.

The ICC was started several years ago by myself and a few other church planters and pastors who needed mutual encouragement as we tried to stay focused on being missional for Jesus. Over the last couple of years we’ve launched over seven different regional “peer learning communities” throughout North Carolina. Jimmie Davidson was our featured speaker in Wilkesboro this week.

Jimmie gave a talk entitled “What is it?” With the story of Exodus in the background, he described four “leadership questions” that we would have to answer while following God’s call. They were:

  1. Burning bush: “What’s calling you?”
  2. Red sea: “What’s stopping you?”
  3. Manna: “What sustains you?”
  4. Promised land: “What’s your giant?”

He closed by saying, “If you want to make it to the promised land, you have to persevere! You can’t give up! You have to hang in there!”

Now, that was a word worth driving to Wilkesboro to hear.

A family in crisis

“People who don’t take care of their … own families, have given up their faith. They are worse than someone who doesn’t have faith in the Lord” (Timothy 5:8 CEV).

“What am I going to do, Pastor Gary?” A woman cried as she burst into my office.

“What’s wrong?” I asked while handing her a Kleenex and gesturing towards a chair.

As she wiped at her at eyes and took a seat, she described how she had found a “stash” of drugs in her teen’s bedroom. When she confronted him, he became violently angry towards her and threatened to leave.

“He cussed at me and threw things!” She said, raising her voice in the telling of the story. “I’m a single mom. What do I do? Who do I turn to?” She shouted, as she slumped down, covering her face with both hands.

What would you say to this mom? Her story is not unique. The American family is in crisis. We have become disconnected from the family structure that once taught us how to be husbands and wives, fathers and mothers. A previous generation learned these things from living in close proximity to parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. But this generation lacks this family community and sense of roots. The American family is adrift.

Also missing are the spiritual roots that families once drew upon. There is an amazing lack of spiritual wisdom and faith when it comes to building families today.

But as Christ-followers we should not fear. We can face this crisis. Starting with our own families, we can overcome and grow families that are a spiritual legacy to the Lord.

I don’t think the crisis in the family should keep Christians from having families. No, I think the crisis should motivate us to pursue growing great and faithful families all the more! The world needs our example.

So, what did I tell the single mom? I told her not to give up! I told her to pray and give her son to God. I told her that God would give her the grace to face this crisis and walk through the fire with her son, loving him with a “tough love” that didn’t shirk responsibility.

“Do you think I can get through this?” She asked, lifting hopeful eyes to mine.

Returning her gaze, I said, “Yes, God will bring you through this crisis. Someday you and your son will look back on this as an important turning point. Just don’t give up hope! Keep the faith!”

A living hope

Apple-tree-lord-derby-malus-domestica “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead” (1 Peter 1:3 NIV).

Have you ever eaten an apple from an apple tree you planted?

My guess is “no.” I know I haven’t. When it comes to apples, I’ve been the happy recipient of another’s “living hope.” Someone else had enough hope in the future to plant an apple tree.

What is this “living hope?” Maybe one way of answering this would be to ask what would “dead hope” be?

If we consider that the apostle James said there was a kind of faith without works that he called “dead faith,” then perhaps the same may be applied to hope. If dead faith is faith that has no effect, takes no action, bears no fruit, then living faith must be faith that works, faith that acts, faith that does bear fruit.

By analogy, “dead hope” would be hope without present result. This kind of “dead hope” might explain the spectator Christian who passively waits for heaven while watching the world go to hell. This hope bears no fruit. This hope has no “life” for today. This is not the hope of which Peter preaches.

When we have “living hope,” we plant today with a confidence that Christ will cause it to bear fruit tomorrow. This “living hope” is not made of thin, doubtful stuff. No, it is a certain expectancy that since Christ kept His promise to be raised from the dead, He will keep all of His other promises for us too, especially the one that we will be raised like Him.

This living hope should move us to bear fruit in our present world and with our present bodies, knowing that what we do by faith and by the power of the Spirit will be kept for us in eternity.

Christ’s resurrection means that we can finally get to taste an apple from a tree we planted.

Groaning into glory

Nicolepregnant “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8:22-25 NIV).

This is a photo of my daughter-in-law, Nicole, at her baby shower last Sunday. Also pictured is my first grandson. What? You don’t see him? Oh, he’s there. Just ask Nicole. She’ll tell you that the baby boy is definitely there! She gets constant reminders that even though she doesn’t have him yet, he’s surely coming.

The apostle Paul said that our resurrection hope is like child labor and child birth. He said that all creation is “groaning as in the pains of childbirth.” You see, since Christ has defeated death and become the firstborn from among the dead, the Resurrected One, we now have this same hope. We have the hope of resurrection!

Creation awaits the resurrection of Christ’s followers because when we get our new bodies, the Lord will also make a new earth and a new heaven. Creation can’t wait for the Lord to come!

My wife and I can’t wait for our grandson to come. Sure, there will be some groaning between now and then. But our hope is that a new baby will be born. That will turn our groaning into glory.

We also eagerly hope that all the suffering, frustration and longing that we now experience, which is shared by creation itself, will soon be turned to glory at the return of our King.

He is risen. He is coming again.

Washing soles to save souls

"Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. …I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master… Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them" (John 13:14-17 NIV).

When we are looking for leaders at WCC we talk about the importance of them going through a "time of testing." One of the tests that we use is the test of sacrificial service. Will the person do whatever it takes or will there be certain tasks they consider too menial? If they won't stoop to serve, then we don't think they are ready to be lifted up to lead.

In Jesus' school of leadership, He modeled and taught His disciples to wash one another's feet. He taught them that in order to be leaders, they must first be servants. But He also taught them that there was a particular blessing for those who stooped to serve.

I believe there is a Christian habit or discipline here that Christ wants us to practice. It seems to me that there is something about sacrificial service that not only qualifies us for leadership and results in blessing, but it also causes us to grow up in our salvation, becoming more like Jesus.

I think we have to look for ways to offer sacrificial service. Is it working in the nursery, changing diapers? Is it serving on the WCC RoadCrew, setting up and tearing down on Sundays? Is it giving out bulletins or offering a greeting? Is it volunteering at the Wesley Shelter or Hope Station?

Or maybe it's like this church in Atlanta that I recently heard about… They really take sacrificial service seriously. They believe in washing soles to save souls.

Check out this video…

Who ya pullin’ for?

Ncaa ball “So everywhere we go, we tell everyone about Christ” (Colossians 1:28 NLT).

“Hey Dad! Did you notice who’s playing in the first round against UNC? It’s your old alma mater, Radford. So, who ya pullin for?” (I received this via text message from my son earlier this week. He enjoys teasing me. I don’t know where he gets this habit.)

“Aye, I’m a pullin for the Highlanders o’ course.” I responded with the appropriate Scottish burr in my thumbs as I “texted” (is texted a word?) him back.

We all know the score now. The number one ranked Tar Heels overwhelmed my Radford clan. I figured as much. This is only the second appearance Radford has made in the NCAA playoffs. The first time they drew Duke in the first round with similar results.

I believe that you have to pull for your team regardless of the odds though. I think most people agree. March Madness seems to bring everyone’s passion to the surface. Being a basketball fan is a way of life living in North Carolina. People are wearing their colors and proclaiming their team everywhere you go around here.

And speaking of “everywhere you go,” what about those first-century Christians? They were certainly passionate fans of Jesus. They wore their “colors” and proclaimed the Christ everywhere they went. They weren’t ashamed of the King’s team. For them, talking about Jesus was natural. It was a way of life.

I’ve noticed that the same people that paint their faces blue and yell fanatically can become strangely silent on the subject of faith. I wonder what it would look like if Christians learned to proclaim Christ as a way of life? Not screaming like a belligerent fan, but naturally talking about the King they love?

I wonder what it would look like for us to pull for the King everywhere we go as a way of life?