What is your parenting approach? Where did you learn how to be a mom or dad? Was it from your parents? From friends or a book? Or are you just winging it? What is your parenting style? It just so happens that the parenting style that sociologists found to be most effective is also similar to the one the Bible teaches. God’s Word teaches the importance of balancing discipline and affection in child-rearing. The apostle Paul told the Ephesians how to raise up their children according to God’s plan. As Christians, we can follow God’s Word in the training of our children and raise them up to maturity according to God’s intent.
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good to have all of you here this morning we’re continuing our series and out of the three r’s of of parenting it’s not the reading writing and arithmetic that that we learned in school but receive your child from the lord raise your child up in the lord and release them back to the lord that’s what we’re talking about today
we’re in part two of the series where we’re talking about raising up your child in the lord so we’re thankful to have you with us this morning now this is a non scientific survey that i’ve taken i’ve entitled these next few points the percentages of parenting are you ready i will share a few of these percentages of parenting
seventy five percent of parenting is yelling back and forth through a closed bathroom door that’s seventy five percent parents eighty percent of parenting is walking around yelling at your children asking them where are your shoes and you find one of them the other one’s not with it it’s somewhere else eighty five percent of parenting is saying as loud as you can one hundred times a night it’s bedtime it’s bedtime it’s bedtime that’s eighty five percent ninety percent of parenting is dreaming of just some adult time and then when you finally get it all you talk about are the kids yeah that’s ninety percent of parenting like i said it’s not a scientific study i made these percentages up ninety five percent of parenting is repeating the word no over and over and over again one hundred percent of the time that you’re awake no no no no and then that’s often the first word that your child learns to say
what is your parenting approach did you get it from your mom and dad? You just kind of said well, this is what they did to me this is what i’m doing to my kids was it from a book you read have you been thinking about no, this is what i’m going to do is i’m going to do the opposite of what my parents did to me you’ve been thinking that or are you just winging it? I don’t know you’re just taking it as it comes
most of us are pretty overwhelmed if you’re a parent you’re pretty overwhelmed you might actually just be exhausted i can tell the parents who now are up to two or three kids when you have that first child and we talked about this last week maybe you’re afraid to even put them in the nursery so you bring him into the adult service because no one but you can rightly take care of your child but after you’ve had two or three you just kind of throw them to the people here take this one check yourself in because you’re exhausted you just kind of crawl into the theater and find a chair
what’s your style of parenting pastor chip ingram’s book effective parenting in a defective world is a book i would recommend and in this book he relays the results of sociologist reuben hill’s study where he studied thousands of families in the state of minnesota and what he was looking at was their parenting styles and how those parenting styles affected the upbringing of their children
this was a decades long study where reuben hill the sociologist was able to actually show as he measured discipline and affection on a scale to see how those kids turned out so let’s look he put it on a grid so that love affection is the vertical and discipline or control is the horizontal that is the x y that he’s using here so that will be one hundred percent love zero love zero discipline or control one hundred percent control
he noticed that parenting styles tended to fall into one of these four quadrants and as we’re looking at it you might think about what parenting style you’ve been using or if you’re not a parent you started out as a child if you didn’t start as a child i don’t know what to do about that maybe you remember what parenting style your parents used so we can all relate
the first quadrant of this parenting style is high on love and low on discipline and reuben hill calls that the permissive approach and these children are raised up knowing that they are loved in fact they’re raised up being told they’re the best people in the universe but they have very little self control because the control that your parents give you when you’re young becomes your self control later and so they don’t know their limits they often have trouble with limits and so forth they know they are loved but they don’t know their limits so that’s the kind of children that grow up in that household
the second category is neglectful parents now these parents are low on love and low on discipline they essentially let their children raise themselves often this family is a family where there’s abuse in the house an ugly divorce or addiction maybe the parents are addicted to something and so they’re distracted by their adult stuff and don’t have time or think they don’t have time for children so these children are raised with low self esteem low self control this group has the most at risk children that are raised in this family system
here’s the third family system the authoritarian family system this family system is high on control they’re high on control but low on love high on discipline low on love and so frankly this is sometimes the christian family they are a ten commandments family they’re a legalistic family and they want perfect children and they are strict and disciplined even in their physical discipline and these children the parents squeeze the life out of them and they can’t wait to grow up and get out of that house and so that’s the legalistic house low on relationship high on control
the fourth category is the category that reuben hill says produces the kids that have the best self esteem the best self control do the best in life and he categorizes that as authoritative not authoritarians and they are high in both categories high in love high in affection and high in discipline at the same time so their children know they are loved but they also know their limits and isn’t it a coincidence that when we read in the book of ephesians where the apostle paul writes that that’s the very way that he talks about it this balance between love and discipline is the right way to raise up a child so i’m not surprised that that’s what they discovered scientifically when they looked at it
so we’re going to be looking at the book of ephesians today the book of Ephesians chapter 6 the book of ephesians was written by the apostle paul he spent more time in the church of ephesus probably than he did any other city he was there at least three years it was one of the largest churches of the first century the city itself was the second or third largest city in the roman empire two hundred fifty thousand people population so it’s a huge city and Paul has built a great church here he writes this letter to the church in fact jesus told john to write another letter to that church so we see in the book of revelation another letter to the church of ephesus and so it’s a prominent church and he writes the six chapters teaching the church it emphasizes how to be the church
he essentially is saying the church is the family of god god is the father and here’s how i want you to behave with one another in chapter five he talks about wives and husbands and then in chapter six he talks about children and parents and then later he talks about servants and masters and so he’s giving instructions about what the church is supposed to look like
here this morning we’re going to focus on those four verses in chapter six verses one two three and four where he’s addressing parenting he’s talking to children and parents and how that relationship is supposed to look so as we look at this will see that there are four and i’ll tell you what they are and we will get to them
There are four greek imperative words four verbs that are in the imperative or command voice and that’s where we’ll get our four imperatives for raising up children so let’s look at it are you ready let’s dig in
children obey your parents in the lord for this is right honor your father and mother this is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the lord so this is god’s work amen
we’re digging in this morning on these four imperatives here’s the first imperative for raising your child up in the lord it’s give them the right standard to obey give them the right standard to obey look at verse one let’s just unpack that verse the first word i would have you circle and i hope you’re taking notes this morning circle the word obey that’s the first imperative that’s the command verb obey obey now who’s he talking to children and specifically he’s talking the greek word here’s pretty precise he’s talking to dependent children children that are still under their parents roof we’re all children of somebody, right, but he’s not talking about when you’re an adult he’s talking at a certain age while you’re still under your parent’s care .
So this obey word. This command has a time stamp on it. You’re to obey, you owe your parents obedience as long as you’re dependent under them. In today’s society, that tends to be around zero to eighteen. Well, that’s, what it was when i was growing up now, it’s, more like zero to thirty now. I don’t know, what’s going on. I don’t know what that’s about. But during paul’s time when he’s writing it was more like zero to thirteen at bar mitzvah they recognize them as a son or a daughter a bat mitzvah of the commandments and welcome them into the adult world at age twelve or thirteen right and then they were given an apprenticeship and they begin to behave so we have this elongated childhood in our culture but as long as you’re under your parents care dependent you owe them obedience now that word obey here’s your greek word for the day you ready (greek word) means to come under it’s a compound word which means to here literally the word obey
in the greek means to come under hearing oh well that has an implication to it doesn’t it how can your children obey if you don’t give them something to obey that’s the implication so children if you’re here this morning and you’re still under your parents roof you’re dependent upon them you owe them obedience if you do not obey your parents not only have you sinned against them you’ve sinned against your father in heaven
this is why it’s so important that parents recognize the power of the role that they’ve been given parents it’s your job to teach your children to obey but the implication is you have to give him something to obey because it means to come under hearing so what do you give them what do you teach them to obey and and i say this a lot to parents don’t waste your no’s say yes if you can don’t just be the no household it feels like that from zero to four because everything they do they shouldn’t do one commentator says they come out with the bends they come out bent the wrong way right they just always want to do the wrong thing so you say no no no no i feel like I always says no but as they get older figure out how to make your no’s count
give them a something to obey and be clear it’s not just because it’s inconvenient for something they’re doing that’s bothering you or it’s aggravating you but to think through you want to give them a standard to obey i want to give them something to obey
i love fresh tomatoes can i get a witness in here anybody love fresh tomatoes i love homegrown fresh tomatoes you get them at the grocery store and they’ve been bred with thicker skins so that they can handle the shipment and they just don’t taste the same it’s like when they bred it for thicker skin they also bred out the flavor i don’t know what that’s about we’ve got three different plants at my house right now that are all doing pretty good we have beef steak better boy and then more of a hybrid tomato plant we have these three kinds of tomato plants and they’re producing my wife will say to me honey would you like a fresh slice of tomato on that sandwich and i said you don’t have to ask me yes please put that on there they just taste so good and one of the things that we do in the south if you’re not from the south you won’t know what we’re talking about but we like a good “mater” sandwich we don’t have time to say “to” we just say “mater” sandwich right just tomato with some mayo on there man i thought you’re talking about parenting and I am so give me a chance so tomatoes if you want to grow them well you tie them off on a stake or in a tomato cage so that they don’t just lay on the ground where the plant will rot or where the tomatoes will rot you want to raise them up are you with me you want to give them something that points to the sun not the ground that points to the sun so the standard is straight
you either start with a tomato seed or you buy a tomato plant somewhere it starts out small but as it grows and it gets heavier so you tie it off and you tie it off and you tie it off and you want the stake to be straight you wanted to point it at the sun where the source of life for the plant comes from now do you see where i’m going with the tomato that’s what you want to do with your children you want to give them a straight standard to obey that points them at jesus where the source of life comes you want to give that you don’t want to give them some mushy grey relativistic way the world says where there is really no absolute truth
jesus says i am the way that the truth it is not a philosophy it’s a person it’s jesus jesus is the truth and you want to point them so give me a standard and you want to point them at jesus so you want them to come under hearing
where are you going to get the standard right here is your standard you’ve got to get in this book yourself you’ve got to get jesus in your heart you’re not going to be able to parent those kids see it’s one thing that you’ve ruined your life it’s a whole other thing to ruin your children do you feel the weight that you should?
We talked about this last week wait for nine months and you’re just so excited and then they hand you the baby and you go man it suddenly hits you i’m in charge of this situation and this life that should put the fear of god and if you didn’t already have it right but we got this great owner’s manual come on people this is your stake that you want to tie them off to raise them up in the way they’ll go when they’re old they’ll not depart from it this is what you want to tie them off to so give him a standard to obey
Colossians three twenty six children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the lord so it’s not on ly that you’re teaching them obedience because it makes for a better well ordered family but you’re teaching them obedience because it pleases the lord for them to be obedient to you and besides if you don’t teach them obedience someone else will have to do it for you if you don’t teach them obedience when they go to school the teacher will attempt to teach them obedience if the teacher is unable to teach them obedience because when they did a parent child conference with you you blamed it on the teacher instead of taking responsibility and addressing it with the child because that’s what we do today our children are perfect in our eyes and everybody else has got something wrong with them in my day if the teacher called and said there was something wrong you immediately knew you were in trouble with my mom or my dad if the teacher can’t get it right then she passes down to the principal if principal can’t get it right as the child grows then the police officer attempts to teach your child obedience and if the police officer can’t get it right the judge will…
somewhere along the line somebody has to teach your child obedience but actually God holds you responsible for it that’s your job to teach your child obedience to teach them to come under hearing so that they hear and obey
the book of deuteronomy speaks about this after the commands were given instruction to the parents was these words which i command you shall be in your heart so first of all you need to have jesus in your life in your heart the commands of god are yours and then you pass them on you shall teach them diligently to your children you shall talk of them when you sit in your house when you walk by the way when you lie down when you rise up in other words teachable moments with children are often along the way in fact they’re almost always along the way like you don’t set up a class every day and go today i will teach you obedience no it’s not how that works in fact teachable moments are most likely when you are the most exhausted that’s , usually when it is those teachable moments, and there along the way, when you’re getting up, like, think about it early in the morning. Bedtime. Aren’t those, like two of the most teachable moments and meal time. Isn’t that another one, like gary? You’re listing the places where we have a crisis of parenting every day, morning, like in the morning, when they’re babies like, man, could you sleep a couple hours? You’re killing me with getting up so early, then they turn into teenagers and you, like, wake up, what are you, a vampire? You sleep all day, you only wake up at night, what is wrong with you? Like, you know, like mornings and bedtimes and mealtimes
I can still remember sitting in the kitchen by myself when the whole family had gone into the family room. And they were watching tv. And i’m sitting there with a plate of food that i haven’t eaten because i was told, you can’t come into the tv room until you finish your meal. euuu. What’s that. Eat it. No, today we don’t do that. We just feed them chicken nuggets. my grandchildren would not be alive today if it were not for chicken nuggets we are so thankful for chicken nuggets
here’s the parenting myth that we’re trying to raise well rounded children that know how to get all their schoolwork and play the violin and kick a soccer ball and do all these extracurricular things we have this vision of what it means to be a great parent i’m not diminishing that some of those things are useful in balance but you’re first number one job as parents is to teach them obedience because you’re teaching them this word called father and mother that will help them understand god the father someday and it would prepare them for that or it will make it more difficult for them to get that later. Now we use a lot of worldly methods that we need to lay aside
I agree Gary, i need to teach my child obedience and here’s what i’m doing so listen check this out these are some worldly methods that we try out first on is bribery come to mommy and i’ll give you a sucker bribery because we don’t think we could get them to do it so we bribe the threatening metho if you don’t pick up all your toys were going to throw them in the garbage. You’ve never said that good for you, the emotional appeal after all i’ve done for you and this is how you treat me? My mom was getting this one with the guilt method she was not jewish but she could have been i went through the valley of the shadow of death to have you this is how you talk to me, the emotional appeal, the sky is the limit if you can reach it, it’s yours. So we just put everything up high, then they learn decline. What do you do then?
I don’t do reasoning, by the way , don’t do this. They’re all born with the ability to be an attorney yeah, don’t try this. A three year old can out argue you but, sweetie, your hot dog will get cold if you don’t eat it now trust me, they’ve got a come back for that yelling. How many times do i have to tell you? We just kind of feel like if we say it louder that’ll work the countdown it’s like the nasa approach ten nine i’m telling you once i hit zero, i’m coming, i’m coming out this recliner eight seven you better get up six, five four they’re not move until they hear the recliner click because they know you just don’t want to get up i know why you’re laughing. You’re doing this stuff. Give them a standard. Be consistent. Teach them obedience. Will you do it, and not the way the world does it?
Here’s number two give them a right standard to obey number two show them the way of honor read verse two and three here’s the second imperative in the greek if you study the greek language it’s so mathematically precise not all mushy like english it’s just really precise and so the second one here is honor honor this is positive right obey this is what children owe their parents obedience and honor so it’s not just that they obey but it’s the attitude in which they obey
there’s really too kind of movements in honor honor in some ways is similar to the word worship in fact i think that is the way you’re commanded because that’s the fourth commandment right that’s from the decalogue that’s from the ten commandments honor your father by obedience it has a time stamp it’s based on whether or not you’re still a dependent child
honor has no time stamp you are to honor your parents as long as long as you live you are to honor them it has no time stamp it’s like worship and i think it’s kind of like you’re being prepared so you know how to worship but don’t make the mistake of worshipping your parents that’s not the word there’s some cultures that have ancestor worship that would be idolatry that’s not toward honor honor could be translated respect right to recognize the person is deserving of extra honor of respect so the two movements would be first of all recognize that they deserve it that’s kind of hard for some of us especially as adults some of you are still struggling with a father wound or a mother wound your parents weren’t good examples of parents well gary how am i supposed to keep that commandment how can i honor this person that was so dishonorable towards me well here’s the thing i’ll say to you there’s no time stamp there’s no exclusion so you have to figure this out before the lord with god’s help you have to say what would it look like for me to honor this father this earthly father this earthly mother who mistreated me in these ways and and without me talking to you one on one and and you and i praying together and asking the holy spirit i can’t give you like a list of things for your situations and that’s not the purpose of the sermon this is a parenting sermon but i’ll say you from the parenting side to give them something to honor be honorable
if you sow honor you’ll reap honor so honor your children treat them with respect and you’ll be teaching them to respect you and when they disrespect you treat them appropriately i told you not to waste your no’s but if your child is acting with the rebellious attitude and disrespecting you that might be the highest level of discipline that you owe them at that point because they’re dishonoring you. And if they dishonor you you are to honor god, teach them to obey, and then teach them to honor you. But need to give them something to honor.
The first movement is to recognize your god given position as father and mother and the second is to give them the honor so recognize it then give them their due give them their honor and so i think this word honor in the original greek language actually has a monetary value in fact in another place it says that elders in the church are worthy of a double honor that means not just respect but salary so that said so that a pastor in a church is worthy if he works full time for the church he’s worthy of getting paid
parents this used to be the truth back before there was social security and government you had kids that was your retirement plan when you got older they were supposed to take care of you and that’s biblical so you take care of them when they’re little and then when you’re old they take care of you so it has monetary implications honor, honor and and it’s the first commandment with the promise that it will go well with you and that you’ll live long so it’s kind of like honoring your parents will put you in alignment with god’s intent so that you’re under god’s protection like an umbrella in the storm and the rains out there but if you dishonor your parents your kind of on your own out there it’s going to put you at risk for your life because you’re going against god’s plan
if you read the bible it says one of the marks of the last days is disobedient children i mean it’s like there’s a long list of sins and then in the midst of it disobedient children we must be living in the last days have you looked around at walmart lately? Have you seen what’s going home with kids these days it’s not really their fault you know whose fault that is? It’s ours
as parents show them the way teach them to honor deuteronomy is where we see the ten commandments we see this it’s number four honor your father and mother so paul’s quoting the team commandments in Romans chapter 12 when he says love one another with brotherly affection out do one another in showing honor so if you want to receive honor show honor what does that look like
if you want to correct your child, be respectful pull him off to themselves away from their siblings away from their friends so that you’re not shaming them sometimes they’ll buck and rebel against you and dishonor you because you’re making them feel unsafe by the way you’re doing that so honor them by talking to them privately and teach them that obedience and honor go together so that when you obey it involves at least three other attributes of honor i can still remember a family that used to go to our church back in the nineties, and they had taught their children to say this the mom would say to the five year old, honey, how are you supposed to obey and the child would repeat to the mother sweetly, completely and immediately. man that’s awesome that’s i mean i hope she does more than just repeat it and she actually does it
this is what is used to say to my kids slow obedience is no obedience get moving that’s what i used to say because it’s your not being obedient if you don’t obey immediately you know that’s dishonoring so a lot of us are just happy if they do it oh i’m so exhausted after getting them to do it you’re not done ask for energy from the holy spirit you’re trying to teach him not just obedience but honor so that means they have gotta act now they’ve got to do when you say
and then sweetly which means not talking back as they do it with the right attitude and then completely which means go pick up your room and then you can have a fudgesickle and then you don’t go check and they come down and say i did it and then later that day you go up and they picked up but like three things and everything else is in disarray that’s your fault because you didn’t go inspect their work go back and say sorry honey i told you to pick up your room pick up everything and so you teaching him to honor completely you realise how much work that’s going to be? Yeah that’s your job you’re a parent you’re supposed to raise them up in the lord get serious about it. Teach them to obey and teach them to honor you don’t know how hard this is Yeah, i kind of do i got a fresh course this weekend, a refresher course.
Jonathan my second son, and his wife, Nicole they have three kids. They’re actually expecting a fourth here pretty soon, and they moved into their house this weekend, so they were like, can you help us ? You know, it would really help us more than helping us move if you would keep the kids, and so we did this weekend, and so my wife does this thing. I was talking to some of you about this.
My wife makes promises on my behalf. And she does it in such a sweet way but yet it feels somewhat manipulative maybe if you asked pawpaw that’s how it starts someone i was talking to in the foyer earlier said you should run when you hear her say that maybe if you ask papa he’ll take us to chick fil a maybe if you ask papa he’ll play with you outside so if i hear maybe if you ask papa i know they’re all come running my way for doing something that she didn’t want to do so we had a refresher course we go to our second shift and we’re taking stephen and caroline’s kids for the week because they’re in guatemala it’s all good we love him i’m glad we did it while we were young you know what i mean grandparents in the room you know can i hear you thank you very much yeah when you’re young and strong but i tell you what no matter how young you are being parents is a humbling thing isn’t it you realize i don’t know enough i’m not strong enough you know
the reason a lot of you are in the house today because you have kids and you suddenly realized you needed jesus because you can’t do it and even you do your best you go god have mercy on my kids and you pray lord i hope i haven’t messed him up teach them to obey an honor.
Here’s number three. Here’s number three encourage them with sensitivity and consistency encourage them with sensitivity and consistency we are in verse four now he says fathers do not provoke this is the first of the four imperatives that are in the negative voice do not but do obey do honor but do not
so we are talking to fathers here fathers represent parents in the hebrew time in the biblical time fathers were expected to be actively involved and engaged in child rearing somewhere along the line we kind of separated it but biblically speaking fathers are to be actively involved and i think that’s what paul’s addressing here but i think the reason to use the negative here’s because fathers often exasperate or drive their children to anger because they use their size their voice their power improperly maybe even their anger so that they scare the child but as the child grows up the child learns anger because if you sow anger you reap anger and so the fathers i guess sorry fathers you get the one negative command out of the four
stop provoking your children to anger in other words the way you’re parenting is actually having an opposite effect on them because of the way you’re misusing your authority okay so so as a parent and mother’s can do this too but especially fathers that’s what the scripture says fathers i think it’s both but certainly so remember that quadrant it was the fourth quadrant don’t over use the discipline. Remember love, keep them in balance . Why? I’m saying sensitivity and consistency. What provokes children to anger what causes that fault finding like they can never do anything right you always tell him you could have done this better like you got your two year old picking up toys out of the room and you go up and you get you missed one remember i told you that to be specific and follow up with them a two year old has only so much capacity you know so your fault finding will provoke them it is shaming them to correct them in front of their siblings or in front of their friends or calling them names labeling them calling them names calling them lazy or dumb or stupid i got some children in the house looking at me right now that just looked at their parents and said he said that word well i’m saying it because you’re not supposed to call your children those kind of names fathers and mothers you have the power to bless or curse your children by the labels you put on them some of you are here to today and you are still trying to live down and get rid of the wrong false identity that a sinful mom or dad accidentally put on you because they didn’t know what they were doing as parents and so you’re still trying to get rid of a false identity you need to hear a true identity from christ be aware these things will provoke your children comparing them to their siblings why can’t you be like your sister these will provoke them inconsistency today that gets you a spanking but tomorrow no they’re like what are the rules this is inconsistent especially if there is addiction in the house if the person is sober the mom or dad is sober then these are the rules but if they’re not sober if they’re under the influence now these are the rules these are things that provoke your children inconsistency hypocrisy you act one way but you tell them to do another thing that provokes them they’re your children we provoke them with our own sins
in his book dr ted trips book shepherding the child’s heart and by the way this book is the book we give out when we do parent child dedication services we always give these out to the family i highly recommend this book by dr tripp here’s a quote from the book your child’s needs are far more profound than his aberrant or sinful behavior his behavior does not just spring forth without cause his behavior reflects his heart if you really want to help him you must be concerned with the attitudes of the heart that drive his behavior this understanding does marvelous things for discipline it makes the heart the issue not just the behavior the point of confrontation is what is occurring in the heart. Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him or her to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of christ. And so when you’re consistent with the child and you’re aiming at the child’s heart, fathers and mothers, you won’t be so quick to provoke them. We provoke them because we’re exhausted. And we’re taking short cuts because they’re getting on our last nerve. But when we aim at the heart now we’re asking for the holy spirit to help and so we speak to the child asking the holy spirit to give us the key to the child’s heart so that our words penetrate past the behavior to the heart
we need to get them quiet in their bedroom or somewhere where you can sit quietly and you say look at me honey you look at each other why did you hit your brother i don’t know look at me did he do something did you make a face did he hit you first keep asking what you’re doing is trying to get to the heart of why did you do this do you realize that when you do this you hurt your brother you go against me and your dad because i told you to stop hitting your brother but more than that you’ve sinned because it’s wrong against god but you know what you’re forgiven through jesus you know what that gives you the power to do right now is that you can love your brother you can ask him to forgive you and get right with me and so do you see what’s happening there it’s not just go to your room but it’s all that extra stuff that you’re supposed to be doing and talking to them about grace and forgiveness and how through the cross of jesus they can be set free and they can learn forgiveness, and they could learn how to reconcile. And if they can learn how to reconcile with their brother when they’re five, then when they’re fifty, they can learn how to reconcile with their wife and with their children and with their neighbor, you know, just teaching them, but it needs this combination.
Colossians 3:21 in the new living translation, says. Fathers don’t aggravate your children. If you do, they will become discouraged and quit trying, so you get it, you got to get this right, and the only way you can do it is in the power of jesus. You need jesus in your heart to get you right, so that you’re not acting. What provokes them is your sin, that you’re sinning as a parent, and so you need the holy spirit’s help, and you point them to jesus
Here is number four, now, are you’re still with me. We’re still in verse four. We have the fourth and final imperative. It is bring them up. Do you see it in verse four instead of provoking them, fathers and mothers bring them up. Bring them up This idea of raising them up that’s where we got the title of the sermon from this fourth imperative. Bring them up, raise them up and then he gives this too after discipline and instruction. But first of all, bring them up. It has the idea that you’re not just trying to get through the day, which is what you probably are trying to do. You might just be trying to get through the hour like we’re just trying to get through supper time here, people. We’re just trying to get through bath time if we could, if we could survive bath time, we all have these. These are battle zones, right? it’s breakfast it’s lunch, it’s dinner, it’s bath time it’s, bedtime there are times of the day and you might just want to focus on when those times are. And think about it for second. You’re not trying to survive that moment, but i want you to visualize that grown child someday that i want this. I want this little boy to be a man of god, who’s, a good husband, a good father that is able to support a family. i especially want this man, this grown man to love jesus and to do whatever god says and just honor god, that’s, my goal.
Okay, so that’s, the product that i’m trying to produce. I’m not just trying to get him to eat green beans. Right? So aim here, bring them up. So you’re aware of the goal, what you’re after and all these little steps along the way are part of that . Bring them up
then he gives these two tools which are really this is what I was telling youearlier It’s like ruben hill does the minnesota study it takes decades he examines these families as a sociologist and comes up with that. You know what the key is? A balance between love and discipline
two thousand years ago, paul writes this in verse four and he says what we need is discipline and instruction. And if you look underneath the hood at those two greek words, this is more like physical discipline correction. And this is like loving aim at the heart affectionate instruction and so it’s, like the bible already told us how to raise kids. People there, it was and then we go out and scientifically do a study and find out you know what? The people who raised the best kids have this balance between these two tools that they’re bringing them up with discipline instruction with with, you know, considerable discipline, but also considerable affectionate.
Instruction, which aims at the heart. And so this discipline, it could be corporal. In other words, physical. Dr dobson used to say, that is why God put extra padding on the behind that you can spank some of your like, i don’t believe in spanking. Have you had kids yet? My mom didn’t spank did you know the bible talks about using the rod of discipline unless you use the rod of discipline the bible says if you don’t discipline your child you hate your child you do not love them
there’s a season i think from like two to ten physical discipline is very effective it doesn’t really work prior to two they’re not old enough to understand and then after ten i would recommend other forms but every child’s different they’ll have different kinds of sensitivity my mom’s preference was a switch so that’s what i did a switch leaves no evidence but discipline is supposed to cause temporary pain because you discipline them and it causes temporary pain either in the body or in the emotion because you’ve denied them something time out or you can use this game or you can’t watch tv and it causes emotional pain because they didn’t get what they want but the reason you are causing that temporary pain under your care as a loving parent is because you don’t want the world to give them the pain and suffering that it will give them if they don’t learn obedience and honor because the world will give him the pain
i’d rather give them a little switch or a little spanking or a little timeout or a little take this away from me so that they learn under my loving care right don’t you dare say I told you so. here’s what I see parents doing wrong what they’re so sweet and good to their two year old and then they buckle down on that twelve year old because they all of a sudden got what they raised they were too tender too much love not enough discipline in fact they’re having conversations like would you like this this or this when they are two and then when they’re twelve they’re going you getting this and it doesn’t work because you’ve spent twelve years teaching them that they had x number of choices and you let them get them their own way because they’re just little and can’t help it but if you’ll add two from two to six if you’ll work your head off do i ever get to sit down it isn’t always a teachable moment is every minute a teachable moment pray to god that he’ll give you the energy to get through from two to six two to eight so that when they turn twelve all you have to do is look at them. You give them the look.
in my house we kept the switch on top of the refrigerator that’s what my mom did so that’s what i did and it seemed to work a switch by the way is she called it a keen switch it’s a little switch off of a maple tree or something it’s thin and and it’s kind of like the sound of zorro’s sword it won’t really hurt and it would break if you hit him too hard because you don’t want to hurt them. You just want to sting those little legs a little bit and say, when you disobey, you get a switching. My mom used to make me go out and break my own, and so i did that for my kids. You can ask pastor stephen pastor stephen is in guatemala right now, he’s probably going to get ready to preach here any moment at casita adonai church in guatemala. When he gets back, ask him, is this true because he’ll have to tell you it’s true, he climbed up there soon as he was able to climb. He climbed up on the counter and he climbed up on top of the refrigerator when no one was looking and he broke the switch into little pieces, and left it up there so high was his disdain. He loved me, but he hated that switch. I don’t think he ever connected that. That switch was put there by me he hated that switch, so he broke it.
we learned and taught our children that discipline is painful for a season that’s what says in hebrews for a moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it you know you’re supposed to train your children you raise them up remember you tie them off Proverbs 202:6 train up a child in the way he should go and when he is older he will not depart from it what a wonderful promise
there’s a difference between punishment and discipline we are not called to punish our children can i give you a quick lesson on the difference between punishment and discipline pop the grid up for me if you would thank you punishment it’s purpose is to inflict a penalty but discipline is to train you’re raising them up to that adult man or woman of god so this discipline is temporary i don’t want to hurt them i’m using this to train them to tie them off to grow straight and tall so i’m not trying to hurt them or inflict the penalty. My focus is not the past of what they did wrong and always bringing up with what you always do this no my focus is a new way of living a new behavior you know honey here’s what right behaviour looks like that’s why i’m disciplining you this is what it would look like for you to do it right the attitude of the parent is not hostility and frustration you are driving me crazy no that’s not it it’s honey i love you but god god has put this responsibility on me and i’m gonna have to discipline you for this i know that might be hard for you to visualize you can say something like that
you can do it through the power of jesus you can calm down and take your job seriously and then finally what’s the resulting emotion if you follow punishment you’ll fill l your child with fear and guilt but if you’ll follow god’s way of discipline you’ll give them security and safety in the home they will know that they’re loved and they will also know self control which do you want it’s not your goal parents to make your kids happy we are raising a generation of happy kid meals your goal is to raise holy kids not happy kids
if you raise them up to follow jesus and raise them up with that in mind and that’s your goal then blessing and happiness will be the result it’s kind of funny if you aim at happiness and blessing you don’t get it but if you aim at righteousness and holiness you teach them to obey you teach him to honor you don’t do it in a provoking matter but you do it in a building up manner then you get kids that will be happy
what do you want? I don’t know what you’re thinking about right now i don’t know how you’re going to feel about responding to this word today some of you are sitting there going i don’t know how to do anything you just said welcome to the club that’s why you need the lord the reason some of you are here this morning is because you had a kid and they started asking you god questions so you said maybe we need to go to church well you need more than the church you need the one who is the founder of the church you need jesus
we’ll pray right now and ask if you would receive jesus into your life that’s what you need others are here today and you just feel like a failure that’s not the purpose of this message either maybe you’ve raised your kids and you did it wrong hey welcome to the club that’s how i feel sometimes too when i look back on my own life we just want to pray for mercy now from jesus and forgiveness some of us are here today and you haven’t had kids but you’re sitting there thinking about your parents i don’t know where you’re at but i want to pray and i want the holy spirit to speak to your situation are you with me let’s lean in
lord first of all i want to pray for that person that’s here and they need you would you pray with me right where you are friend right where you are pray a prayer like this what matters is not so much the words as it is the faith that you’re expressing in your heart dear lord jesus i’m a sinner but i know you died for me i believe you died on the cross that you were raised from the grave and that you live today i believe that and now i ask you to be my lord and savior come into my life and forgive me of my sin make me the person you want me to be make me the father make me the mother that you want me to be make me the grandfather the grandmother that you want me to be if you’re a single person lord i’m just giving you my life i don’t know what the future holds yet but i want you to be my father this is how you do it if you pray that for believing he’ll save you now he’ll make you a child of god we’re thankful right now for the people they are doing this lord others are here today and you know the lord jesus as your savior you’re a member of god’s family and he would not have you feel guilty as you leave this place or feeling like a failure instead would you right now just repent in any place that you’ve been doing it sinfully, maybe you’ve been a mom or a dad in a sinful way. Or maybe you’ve been a child, a son or a daughter, who’s, dishonoring your parents. Would you say, lord, forgive me, i repent, which means i’m going to go the other way. I’m going to start doing it right. Would you just repent right now and say, lord, forgive me, give me your grace and forgiveness, washing me afresh so that i can walk in the light. We pray all these things, knowing that you’re able, you’re our father, and you gave us this word to help us be the parents and the children that you called us to be in christ’s name, amen.