{"id":11584,"date":"2023-07-28T11:30:28","date_gmt":"2023-07-28T15:30:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/?p=11584"},"modified":"2023-07-28T11:30:28","modified_gmt":"2023-07-28T15:30:28","slug":"adapting-your-parenting-style-to-the-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/2023\/07\/adapting-your-parenting-style-to-the-child.html","title":{"rendered":"Adapting Your Parenting Style to the Child"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\">\n<figure class=\"alignright size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/Parent-Child-hands.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-11588\" width=\"438\" height=\"246\" srcset=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/Parent-Child-hands.jpg 767w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/Parent-Child-hands-300x169.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 438px) 100vw, 438px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><\/p>\n<cite>1 Thessalonians 2:7-12 (ESV) <sup>7<\/sup>But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. <sup>8<\/sup>So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. <sup>9<\/sup>For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God. <sup>10<\/sup>You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers. <sup>11<\/sup>For you know how, like a father with his children, <sup>12<\/sup>we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>I&#8217;m a father, a grandfather, and I&#8217;ve been a pastor for over thirty-one years. So, I&#8217;ve thought a lot about parenting and I&#8217;ve received a lot of questions about it from others throughout the years. Questions like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>&#8220;How and when should I discipline my child?&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>&#8220;How old should they be for being potty trained?&#8221; <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>&#8220;When is my child old enough to confess faith in Christ?&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>&#8220;What about baptism and the Lord\u2019s Supper?&#8221; <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>&#8220;How can I be sure that they are saved?&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>&#8220;What do I do about my rebellious teen?&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>&#8220;How do address my adult child?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>In answering these questions, we have God\u2019s Word as our guide, but we must also take into account the child\u2019s level of maturity. Have you noticed that every child is unique? No two are the same. And as they grow, they change. So the parenting style that seemed effective when they were small, doesn\u2019t work when they\u2019re older. These differences require different parenting styles.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/6-SpiritualFormation.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-11590\" width=\"360\" height=\"117\" srcset=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/6-SpiritualFormation.png 488w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/6-SpiritualFormation-300x98.png 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 360px) 100vw, 360px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>Parenting is affected by your child\u2019s age (maturity), ability (mental and physical) and their heart (will). As children grow to maturity, their mental understanding moves from thinking in concrete ways to more abstract thought. So, our parenting style must adapt to the child. In addition, what works with one child may not work with another. So, we must seek to understand and know them. The chart above offers a helpful way of seeing how children progress in their spiritual formation and mental development based on their age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Looking at the way the apostle Paul ministered to the Thessalonians, that he was like a &#8220;mother&#8221; (7) and a &#8220;father&#8221; (11) to them, shows how Paul adapted his &#8220;parenting style&#8221; to fit where these new believers were in their spiritual journey. Notice the three verbs he used in verse 12 to describe how he led them. He said that he &#8220;exhorted, encouraged, and charged&#8221; them to follow after the Lord. Each verb reveals a different mentoring or parenting style that shows how to adapt your parenting style to your child. <\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\">\n<figure class=\"alignright size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/8-SituationParent1-1024x871.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-11597\" width=\"381\" height=\"324\" srcset=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/8-SituationParent1-1024x871.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/8-SituationParent1-300x255.jpg 300w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/8-SituationParent1-768x653.jpg 768w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/8-SituationParent1-1536x1306.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/8-SituationParent1-2048x1742.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 381px) 100vw, 381px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><strong>SHOW AND TELL WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>First, the verb &#8220;exhorted&#8221; (Greek: &#8220;<em>parakalountes<\/em>&#8220;) means to beseech, to admonish, or exhort. Literally, it means \u201ccalling alongside.\u201d In other words, it means to \u201cshow and tell.\u201d When is this parenting style most needed? When your children are young.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A helpful model for illustrating this is found in Ron Campbell&#8217;s\u00a0book,\u00a0 <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Situational-Parenting-Ron-Campbell\/dp\/0931619033\" target=\"_blank\">Situational Parenting<\/a><\/em>. Look at this diagram I adapted from the book. I have added my thoughts in red. The &#8220;S1&#8221; situation, when the child is between the ages 0-6, calls for this &#8220;exhorting&#8221; style. This style is high guidance, high authority and directive. A parent&#8217;s job at this age is to show and tell them what to do and how to respond. This is not the time to be offering choices and explaining reasons. This is the time to teach obedience and for them to learn in concrete ways the rules of living under your authority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>COACH AND ENCOURAGE AS THEY GROW<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/9-SituationParent2-1024x872.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-11610\" width=\"403\" height=\"343\" srcset=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/9-SituationParent2-1024x872.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/9-SituationParent2-300x256.jpg 300w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/9-SituationParent2-768x654.jpg 768w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/9-SituationParent2-1536x1308.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/9-SituationParent2-2048x1744.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 403px) 100vw, 403px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>The second verb Paul used to describe his parenting style was &#8220;encouraged&#8221; (Greek: &#8220;<em>paramutheomai&#8221;<\/em>). It means to comfort, encourage, console, or admonish. This is another \u201c<em>para<\/em>\u201d (&#8220;alongside&#8221;) word, so it\u2019s very relational. But instead of a &#8220;come alongside to see and do as I say,&#8221; it is more of a \u201cyou can do it and I&#8217;m right here with you\u201d style. This moves the parent from a directing role into a coaching role where the child is willing, but is still developing the skill-sets to do things well.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Notice the shift from \u201cguiding and directing\u201d in S1 to \u201cexplaining and persuading\u201d in S2. Children in the 7-12 age group are moving from concrete to more abstract thinking. When the parent has done a good job using the &#8220;show and tell&#8221; style in the early years, parenting the child in the &#8220;S2&#8221; ages 7-12 season can be one of the most encouraging and joyful seasons of parenting. It is also the most critical time spiritually for most children. For they are the most receptive and open to the gospel in this season of life. Most people who come to faith in Christ made the decision during this phase of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>CHARGE AND SEND AS THEY MATURE<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\">\n<figure class=\"alignright size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/10-SituationParent3-1024x879.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-11613\" width=\"368\" height=\"315\" srcset=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/10-SituationParent3-1024x879.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/10-SituationParent3-300x257.jpg 300w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/10-SituationParent3-768x659.jpg 768w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/10-SituationParent3-1536x1318.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/10-SituationParent3-2048x1758.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 368px) 100vw, 368px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>The third verb Paul used to describe his parenting style was &#8220;charged&#8221; (Greek: &#8220;<em><em>marture\u014d<\/em>&#8220;<\/em>). It means to bear witness, to testify, to charge. Paul used this final style to prepare those he had discipled to go and live in a &#8220;manner worthy of God&#8221; as he had taught and modeled to them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The &#8220;charge and send&#8221; parenting style is the one that parents should hope to use in the child&#8217;s teenage years. This is the season when the parent should be able to slowly transition from using an authoritative style to one of influence. This is the season when you&#8217;ve already taught them how to ride a bike, you&#8217;ve already gone out riding with them and taught them about safety and the rules of the road. Now it&#8217;s time to let them ride out of your sight without you riding alongside them. It&#8217;s the time to slowly give them more and more freedom, while still maintaining final authority. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Parents often make themselves and their teens miserable during this phase because they use the skill set from S1 instead of S3 here. They do this usually because they were too lax in the early years and now they try to make up for it. Ideally, this should be the years that they are releasing them. Like a countdown to a launch.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is the phase when I used to say to my teenage children as they were leaving on a date or going out with friends, \u201cRemember who you are and whose you are!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;Yes Dad.&#8221; They&#8217;d reply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;So, say it.&#8221; I&#8217;d answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m a child of God. And I belong to God.&#8221; They&#8217;d say as the hurried to leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;And don&#8217;t you ever forget it!&#8221; I&#8217;d shout as they departed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>RELEASE AND MENTOR WHEN THEY BECOME ADULTS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/11-SituationParent4-1024x872.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-11614\" width=\"399\" height=\"339\" srcset=\"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/11-SituationParent4-1024x872.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/11-SituationParent4-300x256.jpg 300w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/11-SituationParent4-768x654.jpg 768w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/11-SituationParent4-1536x1308.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/11-SituationParent4-2048x1744.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 399px) 100vw, 399px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>This is the final phase of parenting and it never really ends. If parents are faithful to raise up their children in the Lord, actively doing the hard work of fathering and mothering, then their children eventually become more like friends. And the children view their parents as mentors and honor them all the days of their life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In this phase, the parent must learn to release their adult children to the Lord. They must withhold unsolicited advice, learning to wait for their children to ask for help. In this season, parents must learn to direct their care to the Lord in prayer and to let the Lord direct their children&#8217;s and their grandchildren&#8217;s steps. This is the season when the parent no longer leads by authority, but by influence. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>1 Thessalonians 2:7-12 (ESV) 7But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. 8So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. 9For you remember,<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":11588,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2827,2669,2061],"tags":[2353,2030,2931],"location":[],"class_list":["post-11584","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family","category-parenting","category-religion","tag-christian-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-situational-parenting"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/garycombsorg.s3.amazonaws.com\/uploads\/2023\/07\/Parent-Child-hands.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11584","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11584"}],"version-history":[{"count":22,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11584\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11617,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11584\/revisions\/11617"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11588"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11584"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11584"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11584"},{"taxonomy":"location","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/location?post=11584"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}