{"id":10747,"date":"2022-07-31T19:22:45","date_gmt":"2022-07-31T23:22:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/?post_type=message&p=10747"},"modified":"2022-08-29T08:43:48","modified_gmt":"2022-08-29T12:43:48","slug":"on-conflict","status":"publish","type":"message","link":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/message\/on-conflict","title":{"rendered":"On Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Below is an automated transcript of this message<\/h3>\n\n\n\nAlright <\/i><\/span>, good morning, church. It is good to see all of you this morning. We’re continuing our series entitled, \u201cFAMILY LIFE: Family Lessons from Ephesians.\u201d Paul wrote the letter to the church in Ephesus, six chapters, largely to tell them how to order up the church and how the church is really the family of God. As we look at the book of Ephesians, we can apply it, not only to the church family, but also to our individual families. That’s what we’ve been doing over the last couple of weeks.

\nToday, we’re going to be looking at how to face conflict. How to handle conflict in our family. Everybody has conflict. Everyone has experienced the hurt that comes from disagreement, whether it’s between you and your parents, between you and your friends, coworkers, or spouses. Conflict hurts. Many of us have learned to avoid conflict because of that pain. Nobody likes pain. We tend to <\/i><\/span> avoid it, except for a few of us, who just seem to go looking for it. I don’t know, some of us seem to go looking for it. But regardless, we tell ourselves, I don’t want to face this anymore. We say that we have irreconcilable differences and we’re just going to go our separate ways, but there’s a better way. There’s a better way to handle conflict.

\nWhen I do premarital counseling with a young couple, I’ll usually ask them these questions at the first session, \u201cWhat are your expectations?\u201d \u201cWhat do you hope to accomplish in premarital counseling\u201d I’ll try to mislead them and to really accentuate this point by shaking my head when I ask this particular question, \u201cSo, are you looking for the kind of marriage that’s conflict free?\u201d I’ll shake my head, \u2018yes,\u2019 to see what they’ll say. They’ll look at each other, you know, with those starstruck eyes, and <\/i><\/span> they say, \u201cYes, that’s the kind of marriage we want. Conflict free.\u201d Then, I will say, \u201cWell, tough, you shouldn’t get married because there’s no such thing.\u201d

\nIn fact, there are three myths that we tend to believe about conflict and relationships. The first one is that good relationships do not have problems. That’s just not true. Good relationships have problems, but they know how to work them out. Bad relationships are bad because they have problems and they don’t know how to solve them.

\nHere’s the second myth: Conflict is destructive to a good relationship. That’s what we tend to think and it probably comes from our family system and the way we grew up. Man, I don’t want that in my life. So, we avoid conflict, but the truth is that good conflict, properly addressed, actually leads to deeper intimacy in relationships because you’ve worked through it and you’ve learned more about each other as a result.

\nHere’s the third myth: Good relationships only happen to a fortunate few <\/i><\/span>. Sometimes we tell ourselves that. Well, good for you. You’re lucky, but we’ll never have that. That’s not the case. The truth is, if you’ll turn your life over to Jesus so that He makes you right with God through His spirit, He also gives you the power to make you right with one another, so that we know how to handle conflict. There’s no such thing as conflict-free marriages, families or relationships, but there is a better way to face it, through the power of Jesus.

\nIn the book of Ephesians, the apostle Paul urged them to resolve conflict through the power of Christ. I believe, today, we can resolve our conflicts through the power of Christ. How is this possible? As we look at the text today, I think we’ll see four instructions from the book of Ephesians on how to resolve conflict in the power of Christ. We’re going to start at verse 25 of chapter four.

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\nEphesians 4:25-32 (ESV) 25Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each oneof <\/i><\/span>you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and give no opportunity to the devil. 28Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.\u201d This is God’s word. Amen.

\nWe’re looking for four instructions on how to resolve conflict in the power of Christ. Here’s the first instruction:

\n1. Confront conflict truthfully.

\nConfront conflict truthfully. Look <\/i><\/span> at verse 25, \u201chaving put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor.\u201d We often don’t want to face conflict truthfully. We would rather call it something else. We’d rather not deal with the truth of it, but the scripture calls us to confront it truthfully. As we look at verse 25, it begins with a particular word, the word, \u201ctherefore.\u201d We’ve learned through the years that when we see the word, \u201ctherefore,\u201d in the text, we should always ask, \u201cWhat’s it there for?\u201d It’s like an equal sign in mathematics, 1 + 1 = 2.

\nThere was something that Paul was discussing, prior to this verse, that has resulted in what he’s now saying. Prior to this passage, he was saying that we’re to be unified and we\u2019re to grow up to maturity in Jesus. He talks about what that looks like \u2013 putting off some things from our old life, and putting on some new things that come from <\/i><\/span>Jesus. This idea of \u201cputting off\u201d and \u201cputting on\u201d reminds us of how we deal with our clothing. When we have old clothes on, from our labors of the day, hopefully, we take them off and put them in the laundry and we get up in the morning and put on new clothes. This metaphor that Paul is using, he says, \u201cput off falsehood.\u201d In other words, put it away, put it off. That’s your old life; that’s how you used to deal with each other in conflict, as you would lie to each other. You wouldn’t tell the truth to each other or you would tell partial truth. Put that off and put on this new way of life in Christ Jesus, so that you’re telling each other the truth in love. This is what Paul is talking about. This is the word, \u201ctherefore;\u201d it’s leading to oneness.

\nIn our conflict, we’re not aiming at winning the argument. That<\/i><\/span>is what you think you’re doing; you’re aiming at winning the argument, but the higher goal, as we talked about this last week is unity, oneness and to grow closer in the relationship. Since that’s the truth, since that’s what you’re aiming at, you want to handle it truthfully, putting away falsehood. We are members one of another; we are part of one family. We think about speaking the truth to each other.

\nJesus says in John 8:32, 14:6 (ESV) And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free\u2026 Jesus told him, \u201cI am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.\u201d A lot of our conflicts are because we’re not willing to tell each other the truth.

\nA man asks his wife what is wrong. She’s been beating pans together in the kitchen, yelling at the kids and stomping around the house. It finally <\/i><\/span> occurs to him to ask what is wrong. What does she say? \u201cNothing.\u201d That’s what she says, which is a lie. She’s not speaking the truth. Why does she do that? Let’s give her credit. She thinks he already knows. You know what you did, right? She thinks he does because she thinks he thinks like she thinks. If it were another girl, another woman, she would know what she did, but he’s a guy and he’s clueless. He has no idea what he did or didn’t do. He’s thinking, this is the best way to start, \u201cWhat’s wrong?\u201d Let her name it. . Both of them might be dealing with partial truth here. But mostly, they’re not coming together in truthfulness, really admitting something that you did has offended me and talking to you about how it hurt me. Instead, there’s this game of not telling the truth to each other.

\nThe other thing that will <\/i><\/span> happen is if it’s in a relationship outside of your family and it’s with someone that you’re acquaintances with and they’ve done something to offend you. You say to yourself, \u2018It’s not really worth it to tell them the truth about how they offended me. It would probably be better just to avoid them in the future.\u2019 We count the cost of whether we want to be truthful. To believe this, that we are members one of another, means to be honest with each other in relationships.

\nLet me give you four M’s for confronting conflict truthfully. If you have your notes, you’ll see. I gave you some blanks there to fill out.

\n(1) Motive – love\nLet the motive of your truth telling be love. We talked about this last week, in Ephesians 4:15 \u201cRather, speaking the truth in love\u2026\u201d So not raw truth, but truth \u201cwith gloves on.\u201d Truth in love.

\n(2) Message \u2013 honest (Rightly name the offense and how it made you feel)\nLet the message be honest. Let it be honest. Don’t exaggerate, don\u2019t try to win the <\/i><\/span> argument. Just be tender towards the person.

\n(3) Moment – quick \t(Careful about timing\/setting)\nLet it be quick; don’t let it linger. We saw this in Ephesians 4:26, \u201cDon’t let the sun go down on your anger…\u201d There’s a clock ticking. You can’t just let it keep going.

\n(4) Method – gentle\nIt says in Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) \u201cA gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.\u201d \nYou can visualize this \u2013 a person says something harsh to another person. The other person says something harsh back. The argument escalates. Someone has to be full enough of Jesus and following the Holy Spirit to say, \u2018Okay, you said something harsh to me. I’m going to say something gentle to you.\u2019 This comes from the Holy Spirit, which starts the argument to de-escalate, because if the other person is in a relationship with you, this gets their attention. This really <\/i><\/span> irritates somebody who wants to get in a fight and you refuse to fight with them. How can we do this? You might say, \u2018I’m so mad, how can I do that?\u2019 Put away falsehood. Put away the old anger. Put away the way you used to be, in the power of Jesus, and put on new clothes. Put on new clothes. Put on love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control. Put on some new clothes, you need to put off the old ones to put on the new ones. As we put on these new clothes, try to visualize each one of them has a tag on it that says, \u2018Made by Jesus\u2019 because these are not clothes that you can fashion with your own power and strength. You need His help to do this; He <\/i><\/span> will help you.

\nIn a book entitled, \u201c5 Biggest Areas of Conflict for Couples,\u201d written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott doctors, they write this, \u201cAll couples generally fight over the same five things: money, sex, work, parenting and housework. Most argue about these five issues over and over again because these are all stressors that speak to our sense of love and fairness. …We fight\u2014just like every other couple on the planet. But we’ve learned a secret: There’s a difference between a bad fight and a good fight. And when a couple learns to fight a good fight, the conflict actually brings them closer.\u201d

\nYou can learn to do this; you can learn to speak the truth in love . <\/i><\/span> You can learn to look at conflict truthfully and talk about it. Something else that you might try is praying together.This is a good test to see where you’re at in your relationship with one another, because it’s really hard to pray together with someone that you’re angry at them. It’s really hard to pray with someone that you have a conflict with, because there’s something about opening up your soul to the Lord and they’re listening to you talk. It either brings you together or it reveals, \u2018Hey before we keep talking to the Lord, we need to talk.\u2019

\nThe apostle Peter writes this to husbands and wives in 1 Peter 3:7 (ESV) \u201cLikewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.\u201d If you’re experiencing a coldness and an emptiness in your prayer life ,<\/i><\/span> sometimes the best place to check is in your relationships with your spouse, your kids or with your parents. Relationships often affect your relationship with the Lord; your horizontal relationship affects your vertical relationship. Put off falsehood and confront conflict truthfully and seek understanding. Here’s the second instruction:

\n2. Address anger controllably.

\nLet’s look at verse 26; circle the phrase, \u201cBe angry.\u201d Now, that seems like a strange command to me. I don’t know about you. The command is, \u201cbe angry.\u201d Paul is saying that the Holy Spirit told me to tell you this. You should be angry. Well, it’s an odd command. The reason it’s kind of odd is that in the original Greek language, it’s in what’s called the passive imperative. It\u2019s hard to translate into English. We don’t really have that kind of precision in our English language that they did in the Greek language . <\/i><\/span> The passive imperative is a command, but it’s in the passive voice. Here is what one commentator says, \u201cThe passive imperative is a command directed to you in which you are not the active doer, but rather the cooperator and recipient of someone else\u2019s doing, and yet you still retain responsibility.\u201d

\nDown in verse 32, it says, \u201cbe kind,\u201d and then, we have these phrases like \u201clet the.\u201d These phrases seem to imply that there’s someone that’s going to do the action for you, through you, but you’re still responsible for letting it happen. This is important stuff because some of us are so stuck. I’ve had an anger problem my whole life and I can’t defeat it. Well, you’re right, you can’t. But you can be angry in a new way. You can have this new cooperation, where the the Spirit is only going to <\/i><\/span> give you righteous anger. He will not give you sinful anger.

\nMaybe, I should work that out with you first before we get \u201ctoo far down the road.\u201d Is anger sin, yes or no? Is anger sin? Let me ask you another way. Does God get angry? Does God sin? So is anger sin? We’re working this out through our \u201clogic tree\u201d right now. Here is what it says in Exodus 34:6 (ESV) \u201cThe Lord passed before him and proclaimed, \u201cThe Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.\u201d So, God does get angry, but He is slow to anger. He has a \u201clong fuse.\u201d His anger is always righteous. It’s always His righteous response to unrighteousness. He’s consistent, but He’s slow and merciful to express it.

\nWhereas, human anger is <\/i><\/span> sin. You’re probably thinking like James was in James 1:19-20 (ESV) \u201cKnow this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. \u201c The old way of being angry, the out of control way, the way that moved you to violence and hatred, that is the \u201cold flesh.\u201d That is the old nature.

\nThere is a new way to handle anger. You’re going to still get angry, because anger is an emotion and a response, it’s a defensive response to a feeling that is wrong. What you have to do is bring it to Jesus and say, first of all, \u2018Should I be offended by this? Is this something that I agree with Lord?\u2019 \u201cBe angry\u201d is in that passive voice. When you are angry, be angry, but do not sin. In your anger, don’t let sin creep in and control you. What we <\/i><\/span> tend to do is we say, \u2018I’m angry because they hurt my ego. I feel silly. They made me feel silly. They laughed at me.\u2019 Because a lot of us have big egos, everywhere we go, we bump into something that offends us, right? But the Lord Jesus is meek and meekness is not weakness. It is strength under control.

\nThe person who has their self worth in Jesus doesn’t have those struggles with egos. They’re not worried about who they are, they know \u201cWhose\u201d they are. They’re hard to offend. There are places where righteous anger might be in view. If you ask the Lord <\/i><\/span>, \u2018Should I be angry about this?\u2019 if He says, \u2018No,\u2019 you should let it go. You don’t need to address it. You should give that to the Lord. If He says, \u2018You shouldn’t be angry in a way that’s violent or causes you to speak wrongly, but you will need to confront this one truthfully. You’re not going to get through this without talking about it.\u2019 This anger is a motivation now that gives me the energy to address and to confront, which is really the purpose of the emotion; it causes the adrenaline to start flowing. It’s not so that you start yelling, it’s so that you move towards the person <\/i><\/span> to work it out. Then, the clock starts ticking. \u201cDo not let the sun go down on your anger.\u201d When there’s a conflict, you have 24 hours to fix it. That’s what He is saying. Don’t let this go; deal with it. Don’t deal with it on Facebook. Don’t deal with it via text. It doesn’t contain all of what is necessary to communicate. If you want to use email or something like that, use that for sending facts like, \u201cMeet me here at this time, Can we get together? Can I come over right now? Can we talk right now?\u201d If you say, \u2018I needed to get my <\/i><\/span> words together, so I sent them an email,\u2019 you were afraid to actually talk to them. You thought it would just be easier for you to just send them an email. You thought you were typing in \u201clower case;\u201d they read it and it’s \u201call caps.\u201d They read what they think your emotion was and then they fire back another text or email that the relationship is over.

\nAddress anger controllably. There’s a clock ticking. Be aware that this is especially true for husbands and wives. If you go to bed mad, there’s only two of you in the bed and neither one of you wants to touch the other. You know this, couples; you know this.

\nWhen my wife and I first got married, we bought a mobile home and we didn’t have any furniture, so we used the bed that came with the mobile home. I mean, it was cheap. It was a cheap little bed and it <\/i><\/span> wasn’t long before it \u201cdipped\u201d in the middle. That makes it particularly hard to go to bed mad because you’re hanging on to your side of the bed and when you wake up in the middle of the night, you are face to face with the other person. You can’t avoid it. Maybe it was good for us as newlyweds. Perhaps that’s what God wanted for us.

\nDon’t go to bed mad because you’ll give the devil an opportunity. You’ll go to bed and there’ll be two of you in the bed. You’ll wake up the next morning with one more, there’s three in the bed now and it’s the devil. He had gotten a foothold in your house. It says here in verse 27, \u201cand give no opportunity to the devil.\u201d Do not give the devil a foothold.

\nI can’t help but visualize a door to door vacuum cleaner salesman who, when you open the door, he gets his foot in. My mom ended up buying a Rainbow vacuum cleaner because of such <\/i><\/span> a vacuum cleaner salesman. He got his foot in the door and threw a handful of dirt in the room. He told her, \u201cLet me get that up for you,\u201d and she replied, \u201cWell, you better.\u201d He came in and vacuumed it up. Then, he said to her, \u201cLet me vacuum the whole room.\u201d He vacuumed the whole room and showed her how much dirt was in her carpet. Well, she was on payments for the next five years buying that thing. Don’t give the devil a foothold, or you’ll be on \u201cpayments.\u201d He’ll throw dirt in your house. If you give the devil a foothold, he’ll turn it into a stronghold and he will ruin your family.

\nHow does that happen? It’s where you let anger simmer overnight and you get up in the morning, it’s turned into something else called \u201cbitterness.\u201d You want to get even now, but there’s a time to handle conflict. It has a sense of urgency to it. If we don’t <\/i><\/span> address it, controllably, then it damages our relationships.

\nHave you ever heard this country song by Terry Clark? The title of it is, \u201cI just want to be mad.\u201d I tell you what, country music, whether you like it or not, sure tells the truth sometimes listen to the lyrics here:

\nCountry song: Terri Clark, I Just Wanna Be Mad, 2002\nLast night we went to bed not talkin’\t\t\tFor now you might as well forget it\n‘Cause we’d already said too much\t\t\tDon’t run your fingers through my hair\nI faced the wall, you faced the window\t\tYeah, that’s right, I’m bein’ stubborn\nBound and determined not to touch\t\t\tNo, I don’t wanna go back upstairs\nWe’ve been married 7 years now\t\t\tI’m gonna leave for work without a goodbye kiss\nSometimes it feels like 21\t\t\t\tBut as I’m drivin’ off, just remember this\nI’m still mad at you this mornin’\nCoffee’s ready if you want some\nI’ve been up since five, thinkin’ bout me and you\nAnd I’ve got to tell you the conclusion I’ve come to\nChorus: I’ll never leave, I’ll never stray, My love for you will never change\nBut I ain’t ready to make up, We’ll get around to that\nI think I’m right, I think you’re <\/i><\/span>\nwrong, I’ll prob’ly give in before long\nPlease don’t make me smile, I just wanna be mad for a while

\nThat song might actually lead to another country song I remember hearing when I was younger, \u201cSleeping single in a double bed.\u201d You don’t want to follow this advice. Be careful. It’s better to get your advice from God’s word. But, that’s a funny song. I like that <\/i><\/span> song because it’s telling the truth about how we wrongfully handle our anger. That part where she says, \u201cI’m gonna leave for work without a goodbye kiss.\u201d I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do that because of my mama’s voice in my head – \u201cIf you leave this house and you get in a car accident and something happens then the two of you never got it right.\u201d Plus, she was always worried to make sure I had clean underwear on in case I ever got in a car accident. I don’t know what that had to do with anything. But she used to tell me that, too.

\nTell each other, \u201cI love you\u201d and kiss each other goodbye because what if the other gets taken away from you? I’ve been mad and I have kissed my wife mad. I’m afraid to leave without kissing . <\/i><\/span> Don’t let anger keep going; confront it. Truthfully handle it. Controllably handle it.

\nProverbs 14:29 (NLT) \u201cThose who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes.\u201d Where does this kind of uncontrolled anger lead? James describes it, James 4:1-2 (ESV) \u201cWhat causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.\u201d The war inside of us leaks and it becomes the war between us. It starts with wanting your own way all the time, instead of going to God and asking Him to help you. That’s the source of war. That’s the source of every conflict. It’s inside of us. We have to put it away and ask God to help us.

\nYou don’t have to read the bible far. In fact, if you just get to <\/i><\/span> the fourth chapter in Genesis, there’s these two sons, the first born, Cain and his little brother, Abel. We know that Abel offered a more righteous sacrifice, one acceptable to God, than Cain did. So, Cain is boiling over with anger towards his brother because it’s not fair. Cain had uncontrolled anger. (Gen 4) The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” \nSin is like a lion crouching next to Cain\u2019s door. What does Cain do? Does he listen to the Lord? No. He goes out and he kills his brother. And so <\/i><\/span>, the first murder recorded in the bible is between brothers because sin was crouching at his door, the evil one.

\nThat’s what anger is. It’s like a lion that you need to keep in a cage and you need to master it. He says that you must master it. It desires to have you, but you must master it. Is that your deal today? Some of you know who you are? I’ve always had a bad temper. You see, my father had a bad temper and his father before him. We are just a family of bad tempers. You’ll just have to forgive us. We’ll blow it from time to time. No. That’s your old life. Put that off and put on the new life of humility and meekness. Let the Holy Spirit teach you that when you get angry, do not sin. Keep it under control. Here’s number three:\n\n\n3. Communicate gracefully.

\nThat’s the third instruction; communicate gracefully. We’re in verses 28 and 29 now. We’re <\/i><\/span> just working through the verses. Verse 28 seems surprising, \u201cLet the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.\u201d I thought we were talking about communication. You’ll see, in verse 29, \u201cLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.\u201d Circle the word, \u201cgrace;\u201d that’s where we got the word, \u201cgracefully.\u201d So, how does verse 28 fit with communication? Here is what I would say, because we’re in this context. He’s, all of a sudden, talking about not stealing. Certainly, that’s true. Don’t steal. Stop stealing, literally. I like this word, \u201csteal; \u201d in Greek; it means \u201cklept\u014d.\u201d Let the \u201cklept\u014d\u201d stop; stop stealing.

\nHow do we apply this relationally? That’s what my interest is right now, because that’s the context of the passage; we’re supposed to be at one with each other. It means we have to address an aim <\/i><\/span> at one. How do we apply this idea of stopping stealing? Stop being a relational thief. Stop being a taker and start being a giver.

\nDo you know someone who’s a relational thief? It’s always about them? They’re always talking about themselves and their problems. They never have a minute when you try to tell them something that’s going on in your life. They change the subject or they walk away. That’s a relationship thief. They’re always stealing. As long as you listen to them, boy, they’ll talk, but they won’t listen back. Is that you? If you want to give grace and communication to someone, it begins by being a listener.

\nThe other possibility in a relationship is a person who just rides on the coattails of the other person. They’re not really contributing to the relationship; they’re a relationship thief. I think that’s how verse 28 might be applied in the context right here. \u201cLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouth.\u201d There’s that word, \u201clet,\u201d again , <\/i><\/span> which softens the verb so that it’s a cooperative thing. Let the Holy Spirit now control your tongue so that you no longer use the words you used to use when you got angry or when you were in an argument so that it corrupts the hearer. Do you know what the words are, the corrupting words. the evil words, the ones that reveal what’s really in your heart?

\nAsk the Lord, \u2018Lord, help me to speak a new way.\u2019 And what should this \u201cnew way\u201d look like? It should build up the hearer. Verse 28 says, \u201cbut only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.\u201d So, there are different occasions. There’s different times to talk about things. Holy Spirit, give me the wisdom to do that with grace.

\nVerse 28 says that it <\/i><\/span> may give Grace to those who hear. What does the word, \u201cgrace,\u201d mean? It means \u201cunmerited favor,\u201d so that it blesses the hearer; it gives favor to the hearer so they love to hear you speak to them.

\nDo your words make people feel better having talked with you and so give grace to the hearer? This is something that you’ve worked; for words that you’ve worked for. Why do I say that? Colossians 4:6 (ESV) \u201cLet your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.\u201d There’s that word, \u201clet,\u201d again. It’s as if I’m yielding to something from the Holy Spirit so that my speech is gracious and seasoned with salt. What does that mean? It means seasoned with the word of God, so it has flavor, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. \u201cRewrite the hard drive\u201d so that the old evil words that used to fill our mouths are now filled with the word of God; praying and talking <\/i><\/span> to God. So now, we’re talking to someone and maybe they’ve acted angry towards us, but somehow He gives us love for that person. Somehow, we know exactly the word to say to bring their anger down rather than cause it to go up; to actually say loving words to them so that, instead of leaning back with their fists, they lean in and open their hands. It depends on the person.

\nI remember some years ago, one of our missionaries on the field was working in the Middle East. He was saying that a lot of the Muslim men that he would talk to about Jesus were so filled with anger and hate. He said that he would have to lean in and hug them really hard, but on the way in, when he was trying to share Christ with them, he would l take a couple of shots as he was going in. He said that once you get a good hug on them and tell them about Jesus, they can’t really hit you <\/i><\/span> anymore. Sometimes you take a few shots and conflict if you’re the Jesus man, if you’re the Jesus woman. As you lean in close, sometimes you find out that was the only way to get their fists down. They’re still working it out.

\nThis idea of giving grace to the hearer. You’re giving them grace, unmerited favor, even though they don’t deserve it. They’re not treating you in a way that you’re giving them back what they’re giving you. Because you give them grace, you’ve created the possibility for a new relationship. Because you’re giving them grace, you’re making deposits in the relationship instead of withdrawals. If both sides keep making withdrawals, the relationship goes bankrupt. Here’s the fourth instruction:

\n4. Pursue unity forgivingly.

\nWe’ve talked about confronting truthfully, handling anger controllably and we’ve talked about communicating gracefully. Let\u2019s look at verse 32; there’s a standard for our forgiveness. We’re to forgive as God, as Christ forgave us. That’s <\/i><\/span> an unreachable standard, but again, these are passive imperatives, which mean we’re responsible to do them, but there’s an outside actor empowering us to do them, which means we’re responsible to forgive others, but not according to our power for forgiveness, but according to His.

\nIf we keep talking about banks, like we did a minute ago, making deposits and withdrawals, He has made a deposit in our bank of forgiveness that’s bottomless, so, we can forgive others as He has forgiven us. You might be thinking, \u2018You don\u2019t know what they did to me. Do you know what they did to me?\u2019 You’ve made a vow\u2013 I will never forgive them. Somehow, you think that holding onto your vow is making their world worse. No, it isn\u2019t. Do you know whose world it is making worse? It\u2019s yours. They don’t even know that you’re hanging onto that. It’s ruining you.

\nHow did Jesus teach us <\/i><\/span> to pray? \u201cTo forgive us as we forgive others.\u201d Why is that? It is because that lack of forgiveness in us keeps us from being able to receive forgiveness for ourselves. So, it ruins our own souls; it’s like a cancer.

\nUsing that banking illustration, He makes this big deposit. I used to say this, I used to say that it means you can write checks of forgiveness and sign Jesus\u2019 name to it, but now, nobody writes checks. Now, let\u2019s say you have a debit card that has Jesus’ name on it. You don’t have to go check at the ATM To find out how much money is in your account. You don’t have to go online and see; there is always plenty there. So you can forgive and forgive and forgive. You can draw on this unlimited source. You can’t do it, but He can do it in you . <\/i><\/span> That’s the standard.

\nVerse 30 says, \u201cAnd do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.\u201d What grieves the Holy Spirit? It\u2019s when you’re not at one with each other. It grieves Him, like somebody died. This whole chapter, chapter four, is about oneness. It starts off by saying \u201cone faith, one Lord and one baptism.\u2019\u2019 This whole chapter is about becoming one and growing up to maturity; to be like Jesus because we’re one body and one family. It makes the Holy Spirit grieve, like somebody died, when you’re not right with your spouse, when you’re not right with your brother, when you’re not right with your sister, when you’re not right with your parents, when you’re not right with the people in your small group\u2026 It grieves the Holy Spirit.

\nIf the Holy Spirit lives within you, you’ll feel His grief and that grief should motivate you to ask, \u2018Lord, what’s wrong?\u2019 The Spirit in you will reply, \u2018You need to talk to Him <\/i><\/span>.\u2019 \u2018No, he’s the one that should come talk to me\u2026\u2019 That’s when you’ll know what you need to do. \u2018Okay, Can I send him an email?\u2019 No, that will really grieve the Holy Spirit. You can\u2019t send him an email, You must call him, go see him or meet him somewhere. Talk to them. Don’t put it off. Put away all this stuff from your former life.

\nThere’s that word, \u201clet.\u201d \u201cLet, \u201cput away\u201d bitterness; it\u2019s a bitter root, like poison. That’s what anger becomes; it becomes poison in your soul. When it turns into bitterness, you can almost see the escalation.

\nHere, Paul is telling us to pull down and get rid of all bitterness and wrath, which is literally heated anger. That’s where we get the phrase, \u201cHothead.\u201d Wrath, anger and clamor is like banging plates together or symbols together. It’s loud. Put that away, be quiet. Slander is when you start lying about each other. Put away <\/i><\/span> malice, which is hatred that says, \u2018I wish evil for this person, I want evil things to happen.\u2019 Can you see it escalating up to murder? Put all that away and put on kindness. Let the kindness of the Holy Spirit come out of you. Let Him make your heart tender, forgiving one another as God, in Christ, forgave you.

\nColossians 3:13 (NIV) \u201cBear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.\u201d What does this look like? Well, if we look at your house for a second as I close, just pop this first image up. \n\nI hope that’s not your house. Each one of those bricks represents a place that you offended the other. Each one has a name. \u2018I called you a name. I was dishonest with you. I was untrustworthy. I didn’t help with the dishes. I didn’t help with the <\/i><\/span> housework. I didn’t help with the kids at bath time\u2026\u2019 Each brick is an offense that never gets addressed because people are stuffing it or mishandling it. Little by little, it’s just about over for this family. This family is going to break up. They’re going to get a divorce. Each of those bricks might have been a small thing. It might have been a small thing you could have handled in a 24 hour period and actually grown closer. But, the bricks start adding up, one at a time. But what if they would face the conflict? Let’s look at the next slide:

\n\nOne brick at a time, they face it together, not calling the other the problem but the walls the problem. The conflict is the problem. They name the conflict; what’s the name of that one and agree on the name of it. Then, they say to the other person, \u2018I see what you mean. I understand. I’m sorry I did that. I promise to never do it again. Will <\/i><\/span> you forgive me?\u2019 Then, that person says, \u2018I forgive you by the power of Jesus in me, I forgive you.\u2019 Then, you throw that brick outside of your house. One by one, you can see each other again. Look at that. You can talk to each other again. Communication opens up again. Get the wall down to where there’s no bricks; don’t ever let it get more than one brick. Keep the accounts short. Handle it quickly, immediately and lovingly. When you put the bricks outside the house, don’t go back out there and dig them up because \u201clove bears no record of wrongs.: If you forgive somebody, you’ve given up the right to bring it up again. This is God’s word. If you’re struggling in a relationship today, become a student of Ephesians chapter four. It will teach you about communication and how to handle conflict. You don’t need me. You need the Holy Spirit though to empower you to do this.

\nLet’s pray. Lord, first of all , <\/i><\/span> I pray for the person in the room that came in without You in their life. There’s no way to face conflict and handle it the way we talked about today without Jesus in your life. Today as you were listening, did you sense the Holy Spirit knocking at your heart’s door asking you to let Jesus come and be the Lord of your life? If that’s you today, you need this. Your life is such a mess; it’s so filled with broken relationships. Oh , how I need help. If you would just admit that today, you can go to Jesus and pray, \u2018 Lord Jesus, help me in my relationships, forgive me of my sins, so that I’m right with the Father. I know You died on the cross for my sin and that You were raised from the grave. I believe that. Would You come into my life and forgive me of my sin? Make me right with the Father and begin to teach me how to be right with others.\u2019 If you’re praying that prayer right now, by <\/i><\/span> faith believing, Jesus will save you and He will go to work in your life if you will let Him. Others are here and you know Jesus. He’s your Savior. He’s your Lord. You follow Him. Right now, I’m just going to ask the Holy Spirit to do something for you. Holy Spirit, would you show each person in the room if there’s someone that they are not right with, someone that their relationship is not right? Would You bring it to their memory right now? It might be your spouse, it might be a child, it might be a parent, a friend, a brother or a sister. I just pray you bring that face to their memory right now. Now, would you say, \u2018Lord give me Your power and Your help to be reconciled to that person? Would you say that right where you’re at? Lord help me; help me to be made right with that person and to do all I can do by your power in Jesus\u2019 name. Amen\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Below is an automated transcript of this message Alright , good morning, church. It is good to see all of you this morning. We’re continuing our series entitled, \u201cFAMILY LIFE: Family Lessons from Ephesians.\u201d Paul wrote the letter to the church in Ephesus, six chapters, largely to tell them how to order up the church<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":0,"template":"","tags":[2460,2440,2038],"series":[],"scripture-book":[],"scripture-chapter":[],"speaker":[],"class_list":["post-10747","message","type-message","status-publish","hentry","tag-communication","tag-conflict","tag-relationships"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/message\/10747","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/message"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/message"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/message\/10747\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10747"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10747"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=10747"},{"taxonomy":"scripture-book","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/scripture-book?post=10747"},{"taxonomy":"scripture-chapter","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/scripture-chapter?post=10747"},{"taxonomy":"speaker","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.garycombs.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/speaker?post=10747"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}